Now that Duke knew about my tainted home environment, I found myself struggling with a lot of mixed emotion. I almost felt bad for not telling him earlier, but at the same time I still wished that he never knew. I felt exposed, like everything I’d ever held inside was suddenly on display, and if my dad ever found out that I had said anything I’d probably be killed. But above all, my worst fear was that nobody could help me. It was out in the open now and I didn’t feel any different. I felt truly alone.

Part Five.

“I don’t know what to do, Duke..,” I whispered as I stared at my own tear-streaked face in the bathroom mirror while Duke cleaned my wound with antiseptics.

Duke was quiet for a while before speaking.

“I don’t know, Ron.. but whatever happens, you know I’m always going to be here for you..”

I sighed and closed my eyes, causing a few more tears to run down my face.

“He beats her almost every night, I don’t know why she even puts up with it.. and there’s never anything I can do to help her, sometimes I just feel like.. l-like I’m betraying her almost.. and she’s my mother..”

Duke put his hands on both of my shoulders in that moment, unknowingly making me acutely aware of the dull pain that still coursed through them.

“Ron, you don’t need to feel like that,” he said softly. “You just can’t go blaming this on yourself.”

“But what if I’ve made it worse, Duke?,” I asked. “I don’t know what happens to her when he finishes with me and then goes back to where she is. I don’t know if he takes the rest of his anger out on her or not, and if he does, then..”

I trailed off. I couldn’t go any further.

Duke stood still and quiet, and as I glanced at his face in the mirror I realized that he didn’t have any more answers than I did.

“Ron, it’s going to be okay..,” Duke said reassuringly, but it didn’t make me feel any better; if anything, it made me feel worse.

“Duke, you can’t say that,” I said irritably, feeling as though his words were empty and meaningless despite his good intentions. “Things haven’t been okay now.. for years..”

Duke looked like he was trying to find something better to say than what was really on his mind.

“Well, has it.. always been this way?,” he asked.

“Yeah, at least for as long as I can remember,” I replied, “.. unless it was all just some crazy nightmare that I’m still waiting to wake up from..”

Duke looked down.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?,” he asked, and I was struck suddenly with a cold stab of guilt at his words.

“I.. well, I just..,” I stammered, honestly not even knowing the full answer to his question myself. “I guess.. I just didn’t want anyone to know..”

Duke seemed to understand somehow because he didn’t inquire further.

“God, I feel sick..,” I said finally, closing my eyes again and wanting nothing more than to just run away from it all.

“Do you want to go lay down?,” Duke asked as he tossed the cotton balls into the garbage that he had used to dab at my wound and closed up the bottle of isopropyl alcohol.

“Yeah.. you’re not going to tell your parents about this, are you..?,” I asked.

“Not if you don’t want me to, I won’t,” Duke replied.

“I’d rather you keep quiet about it, you’re the only one who knows,” I said as I turned on the tap and rinsed my hands, splashing some water on my face again to try and rid it of the salty residue that was left from my tears.

“Alright, then,” Duke replied, throwing a towel at me when I raised my head. “I’ll be in my room, meet me in there when you’re done.”

—

I laid in bed that night on the floor of Duke’s room and stared at the dark ceiling. The only light that illuminated the four walls of the room was the dim light of the moon.

I felt alone in a way I had never felt alone before.

They say talking about it helps, I thought, but why don’t I feel any different? Is it because it just simply can’t be helped?

I rolled over onto my side and tried getting comfortable enough to fall asleep, but inside I felt restless and strange. Every time I closed my eyes I began drowning in an endless pool of sad and disturbed thoughts.

It will all be over soon, once your dad finds out..

I quickly became a helpless victim of the voices inside my head as they whispered falsehoods to me and persuaded me to believe them with incredible ease.

Because of you, he will beat her to death.. and you won’t be able to stop him..

I rolled over onto my other side as I began to panic and desperately willed the voices to go away.

It’s time to let it go..

My stomach began to cramp as I focused on the words that were playing over and over in my mind.

He will beat her to death..

It was closing in on me and I no matter how I tried, I just couldn’t let it go. I bolted upright as my body finally surrendered and locked into a full-on anxiety attack. In my panic I began to hyperventilate, disturbing the silence and causing Duke to roll over and click on his lamp.

“Dude.. are you alright..? What’s going on..?,” Duke asked groggily as he sat up in bed and squinted, rubbing his eyes as they gradually adjusted to the light.

“What if he beats her to death?,” I mumbled stupidly as I absentmindedly wrung my hands and gently rocked back and forth to try and quell the intense shaking that enveloped my entire being now.

“What..?,” Duke asked blatantly. “Ronnie, whoa.. calm down, man..”

Throwing his blankets off of himself, Duke swung his legs over the edge of the bed and then knelt down beside me and put one hand gently on my shoulder.

“Ronnie, what’s wrong..,” he asked, a tone of alarm slowly rising in his voice.

I didn’t even answer him, I just closed my eyes tightly and quickly shook my head.

“Ron.. you’re just having a panic attack, try to calm down.. breathe deeply,” Duke said as he put his arm around my shoulder to try and stabilize me. “Just breathe..”

I struggled to fight the feeling down, but it continued to mercilessly consume me.

“Just try to breathe.. nobody is going to die, Ronnie.. you’re perfectly safe here..”

I just couldn’t overcome it. I threw my head back and gripped the carpet with my hands, nearly pulling some of it apart.

“Nobody is going to die, Ron..”

Breath came in short, agonizing gasps. My mouth was dry, making it an even bigger struggle to breathe.

“Nobody is going to die..”

I was starting to feel faint. I looked over at Duke as everything distorted and began blending together, swimming in and out of focus before me.

“Ronnie..?”

I began to lose control. Slipping in and out of consciousness, I felt my whole body gradually become limp until I became aware of Duke’s hands fully supporting my neck and head.

“Ronnie..”

I heard the sound of Duke’s voice, distant and echoed, call my name twice before everything finally faded away.

“Ronnie..”

**