I stood and stared at my own reflection in the wall mirror. My dark brown eyes appeared warm and friendly, softly complimenting the gentle medium-brown color of my hair that reached just past my shoulders. The warm afternoon sun shone in through my bedroom windowpane and lit the area of the floor on which I stood. Absentmindedly brushing my long hair away from my face, I smiled. Life was good when nobody could see the stains.

Part One.

Journal entry #21.
November 19th, 1998.
Period 4.

There are times in life when you wish you could just wake up and realize that nothing you’ve ever feared in life really exists at all. There are other times when you wish you could just go to sleep and stay there in your little dream world until everything else passes on. But then there are times when you’re not sure where you’d rather be. What happens when you begin to look forward to your own nightmares just because you know they’re not real? What happens when you’re more scared to wake up from a nightmare than to be trapped there forever?

I flinched as the bell rang suddenly, dismissing my Grade 10 English class and snapping me abruptly from my trance. I shut my notebook quickly as people walked by my desk, heading toward the classroom door to leave.

“Essays are due next class, any and all lates will not be accepted and will result in you receiving a zero!”

I barely heard what the teacher was saying as I packed up my things and exit the classroom, joining in the flow of noisy students in the hall. My mind was always elsewhere.

“Hey, Ronnie!”

I turned at the sound of my name to see my friend Duke running down the hall towards me, nearly knocking over three different people in his wake. I had known Duke Kitchens since the year before when he had taken me under his wing and defended me against a group of other guys who had been making fun of me for the “hardly masculine” length of my hair. Since then we had become like brothers, Duke and I - and by now I was used to his antics, but I still couldn’t help but laugh quietly to myself at the sight before me.

“Hey..!,” he yelled as he finally jogged to a clumsy stop next to me. “Dude.. wanna’ jam.. tonight..?,” he asked stupidly, half-smirking and completely winded as he stood hunched over with his hands propped just above his knees, trying to catch his breath as he stared up at me and waited for an answer.

I stared down at him and half-laughed in disbelief.

“Um.. tonight.. you know, I’ve got a lot of homework to do.. maybe another time, man.. sorry,” I apologized, knowing how excited he must have been when he saw me walking way ahead of him through a huge crowd of people just moments ago. I felt bad for letting him down, but I knew that if I didn’t get that essay done I’d be in big trouble. I hadn’t even started.

“Alright bro, cool beans,” Duke sighed lightly as he stood up straight again and brushed his flaxen bangs out of his eyes. “I guess I’ll talk to you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you in class,” I said, lightly patting his shoulder as he walked past. He turned around and smiled at me once more before disappearing around the hallway corner.


The walk home was long as usual, and by the time I reached my house the sun had faded from view almost completely. I walked up the cold stone steps that lead to the front door of the place I called home and hesitated slightly before opening the door.

“Just walk in and go straight to your room, they won’t notice,” I whispered to myself as I turned the knob slowly and walked quietly into the kitchen.

—

It was 4:00 AM and I couldn’t sleep.

Laying on my stomach underneath my blankets, I guided the beam of a dim flashlight along the page of my english textbook that I was supposed to write an essay on for the next day. But my own page remained blank. No matter how I tried, I just couldn’t concentrate.

“I’m telling you right now girl, that if you don’t get in that room right now and do what I tell you, you’ll regret ever talking back to me and wish for your life that you had listened to me in the first place,” a man’s voice rung out through the walls. I didn’t even want to call him my dad. “Go ahead, say it again. I dare you. Say you’re right again. SAY IT!”

I shut my eyes tightly as I heard a scream of fear and someone being hit and shoved to the ground. More blows resounded down the hall and I covered my ears with my hands in a desperate attempt to block out the noise.

“Please don’t come in here, please don’t come in here, please..,” I pleaded under my breath as I heard the sounds coming closer and closer to my bedroom door. Overcome by adrenaline, I quickly shut my books and set them on my bedside table, and my hands shook with pure panic as I fumbled to turn off the flashlight.

“Please, please! Please don’t hit me again, I-I’ll do whatever you ask, just p-please stop hurting me..!” I heard my mom beg fearfully between sobs.

Suddenly I dropped the flashlight and it hit the floor with a loud clatter. Everything went quiet.

I froze. They had heard me.

Laying down quickly and pulling the blankets over me to make it look like I was sleeping, I couldn’t stop my whole body from shaking, nor could I prevent myself from suddenly breaking into tears and sobbing in sudden, short outbursts as I listened to the lethal, agonizing silence outside my bedroom door.

I guess I should have been used to it by now.

Yet still, every time it happened, I always felt like there had never been a point in my life where I had ever been so incredibly scared.


**