The days after my anxiety attack left me wondering slightly about my own personal sanity. Nevertheless, I went to school and lived every day as normal, hoping that no one could tell just by looking at me that I was going through such internal struggles. I made a point of deliberately trying to man-up and bear with it, convincing myself that it would pass and that I didn’t need anyone to help me through it by any means. Consequently, I started to become more and more withdrawn from reality as time went on.

Part Six.

Journal entry #26.
November 24th, 1998.
Period 4.

Monday, bloody Monday. I’m sure glad the teacher doesn’t actually read these things or I’d be in a councillor’s office right now. I’m tired and worn out and I just want to slip into a coma. Whatever. Maybe I’d actually be at peace for once.

I met Duke outside of my English classroom after class to go to lunch.

“Hey, Ron.. how are you feeling?,” he asked as soon as I walked up to him.

“Fine.. just tired, I guess,” I replied, leaning against the wall and putting my books back into my bag.

“Ron, stop worrying. I don’t think you’re crazy,” Duke said as he noticed my lack of interest in answering his question.

“Duke, I passed out at your house and woke up in the morning to find a cold cloth on my forehead. I wasn’t even sick,” I said plainly. “For all we know, I’m probably psychotic or something and I’m not even aware of it.”

Duke looked at me sarcastically.

“Dude.. you had an anxiety attack. Big deal,” he said. “I’ve had them before. Maybe not as bad as yours was, but I’ve had them.”

I was just about to argue my point when I noticed Duke’s attention get drawn elsewhere as he looked away from me suddenly, his eyes seemingly focused on something specific. I should have known it was a girl.

“Holy shit, man.. look at her,” he said excitedly as he tried to direct my attention towards the girl he was staring at, who just happened to be walking towards us.

“Yeah, so? She looks like a nerd,” I said quietly, completely uninterested in talking about girls in that moment. The bespectacled girl was tall and lanky, and her wavy dark brown hair that fell just past her chin was clipped back in a small barrette to prevent it from falling into her eyes. She wore a plaid-patterned dress that extended just below her knees, allowing for a clean display of her long white socks that she wore inside her cutesy black strap shoes. She carried several books in her arms which made me think that she must be taking every class the school offered.

“Who cares, I think she’s beautiful,” Duke said stupidly as he watched her walk by. She must have noticed him staring somehow because she briefly looked over in his direction with a questioning look on her face.

“I have to talk to her, Ron,” he said desperately as he longingly watched her walk past us and down the stairs to the main floor of the school. I rolled my eyes.

“Let’s go get something to eat, Duke,” I said finally as I snapped him out of his trance and dragged him in the opposite direction towards the cafeteria.

The place was packed as usual, and as Duke and I neared the table where we usually sat for lunch, I noticed Duke looking around a lot more than he usually did.

“Dude.. chill out. She’s just a female. You look like a zombie,” I muttered as I sat down at the table and set my bags down. Duke sat down beside me and rested his chin in his hands.

“Do you think she might like me?,” Duke asked as he looked at me with an anxious expression. “What if she doesn’t dig guys with longer hair?”

“Duke, I’m sure she’ll go for any guy she can get,” I grouched, putting both hands to my face and pressing my lower palms into my eyes. “I’m so damn tired..”

“Ronnie, let’s go get lunch. I’m buying. Come on,” Duke said as he grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the table. I followed with a slight reluctance.

“What are you having?,” Duke asked as we joined the order line.

“I dunno, like maybe a salad or something. I’m not that hungry,” I replied.

I didn’t feel well. I felt frail and irritable, and even just standing up for any period of time was straining.

“Dude, just get me whatever.. I need to go sit down, I just really don’t feel well,” I said. Duke nodded, looking worried.

“Meet me back at the table,” I mumbled.

Turning away quickly, I tried to focus on clearing my head and just trying to relax. Unfortunately I was focusing too hard and walking too quickly because I ended up smashing into someone and getting hot soup spilled all over me.

“Dammit,” I cussed, flicking my hands by nature to rid them of the spilled soup and quickly holding my shirt away from my body to prevent being burned.

“God, I’m so sorry,” I heard a female voice apologize as she picked up her tray and attempted to gather up her scattered food items. “I’m such a clumsy idiot..”

I seemed to remember seeing this scene in a movie before. Now I was living it.

“It’s alright, it was my fault, I wasn’t really watching..,” I said as I grabbed some napkins from the condiments table behind me and began wiping the soup off my shirt.

“Do you want me to help you? I’m so sorry, I really am,” she continued as she stood up and grabbed more napkins. She had a heavy southern accent.

“No, I’m fine,” I said, finally looking up into her face. I felt my stomach drop ten feet.

It was the girl that we had seen earlier, only she didn’t seem so nerdy up-close. She still wore the glasses and the barrette, but she didn’t look so resigned and studious anymore - or at least not as she stood there and stared at me with the most mortified expression that I had ever seen. Her eyes were a gentle grey, her hair wasn’t as neat as I had seen it earlier, and her glasses sat askew on the bridge of her nose, making her look a lot more laid-back and casual. Maybe it had to do with the fact that she, like me, was also covered in soup.

“I’m Felicia,” she said quietly. “I can buy you lunch if you want.. you know, as an apology..”

“Thanks,” I replied, “but I really am alright. If anything I should be buying you lunch because you just lost it all over me.”

She smiled shyly at my remark, turning away just as Duke appeared next to me with a tray of food, almost dropping it as well.

“Whoa there, Duke.. don’t spill that on me, no offence but I’m really not in the mood for soup and salad right now,” I said as I moved away from him slightly.

Duke smirked as he looked me up and down, observing the mess.

“I’m not even going to ask,” he snorted.

Just then, Duke noticed Felicia as she knelt about five feet away from us, picking up her tray and arranging all of the remaining food items on it in a specific order.

“Oh, let me help you,” he shrieked as he shoved his tray at me and bolted to her side. I rolled my eyes again. Duke was such a girl.

“Hey, Duke.. meet me back at our table and bring Felicia with you,” I called as I began walking back to where I had originally intended on going before the collision.

“Felicia? Oh, Felicia.. wow, that’s a beautiful name..,” I heard Duke stammer behind me as I walked away, smiling to myself for the first time that day.

Once the three of us were finally sitting down again at our table, I began to realize how hungry I really was as I wolfed down the chicken-caesar salad that Duke had bought for me.

“So are you new here? You seem a little lost, I mean.. I saw you walking alone in the hallway earlier,” Duke asked Felicia as she sat across from us and nervously twirled a lock of hair around her index finger.

“Well, I guess you could say that I’m new,” she replied quietly.

“I guess that’s why I haven’t seen you in any of my classes then,” Duke said.

“Well.. not exactly.. you’re in the tenth grade, right?,” she asked.

“Yeah, both Ronnie and I are - hey, Ron, why don’t you say hello?,” Duke said as he nudged me with his elbow.

“Hello, Felicia,” I said, looking up from my plate briefly and suddenly realizing that I hadn’t even introduced myself.

“I’m Ronnie.. you can just call me Ron, or whatever - sorry I didn’t introduce myself earlier,” I apologized, feeling slightly idiotic as she looked back at me and smiled.

“Well it’s my pleasure to meet you, Ronnie,” she said as she absentmindedly tucked a stray piece of hair behind her right ear. “Again, I’m really sorry for running into you earlier.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I said as I looked back down at my salad, “a little bit of soup never hurt anyone.”

Duke laughed and then turned his attention back to Felicia.

“So do you want us to show you around a bit?,” Duke asked.

“No, I know my way around fine. It is our second year here, after all,” she replied. Duke looked confused.

“So.. you’re not new here?,” he asked slowly.

“Just as new as you are,” she replied quietly. “The only reason I’m not in any of your classes is because they decided to move me up a grade this year.”

“Why did they do that? Man, I wish I could be moved up a grade,” Duke muttered. “I can’t wait until Prom finally rolls around and we can finally get outta’ here!”

Felicia smiled.

“I guess they just thought I was too smart for the tenth grade,” she said as she looked away from Duke’s gaze. “I guess I am a bit of a nerd.”

I suppressed a laugh and fought back the sudden urge to say ‘I told you so.’

“But that’s what I like about you,” Duke blurted out, causing her to look back up at him. Duke’s face went slightly red.

“Well.. thank-you, Duke,” she said sincerely as she stared him straight in the eye and grinned.

I looked back up at Duke and smirked as he looked over at me with the most ridiculous beaming smile on his face.

“We should start heading to class,” Felicia said as she grabbed her bags and made sure she had all of her books. “Meet you guys here for lunch again tomorrow?”

“Sure,” both Duke and I replied almost simultaneously as we all stood up and I began gathering up my things.

“Alright, see you guys later!,” Felicia called as she hurried off across the cafeteria to her next class.

“Come on, Duke,” I said as I began walking toward the cluster of students flooding into the halls. Duke waited until she was completely out of sight before picking up his bags and following my lead.

“I owe you one, Ron,” Duke said as he caught up to me and patted me once on the back as we walked the opposite way that Felicia had gone in the direction of our lockers.

**